yawns. fucked up my sleep cycle again. sighs.

anyway, today i was at chinatown when this chinese couple approached me asking for directions. ahaha, e moment they opened their mouths i knew they were sporean :p haha, fresh nus history graduates. it was kinda cool. so i gave them all e help i could give, tips on where to go and what to do. made me so pleased for the whole day. hahaha.

i keep thinking about bending and breaking. am i the type of person who can bend but hardly breaks. or am i the type who is stiff and snaps easily. i think i'm e latter. but then if i snap easily.. do i heal quickly or slowly? hmms. there were somethings that i thought would break me, but never did much more than bend me slightly. and then there were ones that i thought were nothing much, yet has either broken me permanently or bent me into an entirely different shape. hah. thoughts thoughts thoughts.

house hunting is tiring ):

the more i think about it, the more upset i'm getting. and its not the wtf, i hate you kinda upset. its just a quiet hurting. i know i shouldn't think about it, and i shouldn't let it affect me. cos its not gonna help anything. but while i can pretend i'm fine and nothing's e matter.. i can't possibly keep silent for so many days. and knowing me, it'll prob just blow up if i keep it in. guh. this was my biggest fear when it all happened. i'd have hoped that few months would have meant abit more than this yeah. and i feel like such a fool for being so excited and doing so much. but its fine, if my fears really are unfounded.

i'm so dead tired. its not even funny.

omg i'm going taiwan! EEEKS :D heheheeee. my daddy was so incredibly nice (((: if i don't do well for my exams now i'll be buried in guilt ):

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us

I can live only wholly with you or not at all

Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits

Yes, unhappily it must be so

You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart

never

never

Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.

And yet my life in V is now a wretched life

Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men

At my age I need a steady, quiet life

can that be so in our connection?

My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day

therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once

Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together

Be calm

love me

today

yesterday

what tearful longings for you

you

you

my life

my all

farewell.

Oh continue to love me

never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

- Ludwig Beethoven

who knew beethoven could write such lovely lines (: haha. i need to get my expectations of guys away from fiction and into reality. seriously. haha.

sex and the city made my heart ache so bad. for the acceptances of all types of love. about how relationships aren't determined by length of time. some are short, some are long, but that is neither a gauge nor a representation of the wealth of feelings and love between two (which i agree totally). but most of all, when i see the 4 of them (being so different and all), i think of screw. how different we are. and yet how things work. seeing charlotte's reaction to big, made me remember the time when they actually brought me shoe shopping to cheer me up after erh everything fell apart. and how everytime i think about the future, the only constant thing is that they feature in it.

and then the sleepovers and dinners and all e tai-tai-ish things they do just make me miss mel so much ): the time before she left we went grocery shopping & lunchin at holland v and we swore we'd do this for the rest of our lives (((: hahaha. sorry i'm getting very sappy. that's me. sentimental to the last tear drop. haha.

carrie and big. seeing carrie and big find their happy ever after, got me thinking of you. but then again my thoughts have been unconsciously flitting to you quite often these past few weeks. there are days that just go by that i can say very confidently i won't let it happen again. when i think about what i want and it seems like that's not it. and like what mel said about letting go the 90% one and waiting out for the 100% one. but i always see a future that has you in it. and i'm not sure if its cos i'm afraid to venture out of my comfort zone. or cos its you. shrugs. i don't even want to think about how i really feel about all this shit. sighs. too much too much. head hurts. off to watch anime.

i can't wait to go home (:

there are some ppl that just makes my skin crawl. sometimes the facade they put on, that sickening fake-ness and insincerity is disgusting. i can't deal with ppl like that. i don't want to have to deal with ppl like that. shudders.

mos last night was not bad not bad (: haha. though i doubt i will be going back anytime soon. think it was e company that made it good. haha. but yeh, was not liking e drinks at all -.- all they had was vodka. sheesh. typical student night. hahaha. but the rain after that was NOT FUN AT ALL. gah, got caught in e downpour. thank god my taxi luck is still good. HAHAHA. managed to catch a cab. slept the whole day away recovering. hahahaha. so nice to have nothing to do :D

sighs, e thought of having to pack up everything is damn sian. i have way way way too much things. haha. ah wells. going out for dinner + movie with angela. sex and the city :D woots. i like.

EXAMS ARE OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg you have no clue how happy i am that exams are over. hahaha. its amazing. i've never been so relieved to have any exams over :p but yehhhh. hahaha. so now its anime shopping house-hunting more shopping picnic-ing italy france moving-house then spore. thereabouts :DDDD heee. i sho happy. criminal was surprisingly not bad though i only slept 3 hours. pia e whole night 20 chapts. god. thank goodness rachel made me go study :p haha, yes rachel tan. otherwise i'd be even more dead. grins.

i hope taiwan works out -crosses fingers-

my mum tells me constantly how i need to take better care. how probable i'll end up like her. its like a ticking time bomb. it can blow anytime. i only hope its later than now. who knows how things will end up right. ah wells. i think thoughts like these cultivated the wanderlust in me. i can't stay in a place for too long a period now. i constantly need a change in environment, which isn't really a good thing. haha. escapism perhaps. i just want to see everything beautiful in this world (:

need less depressing thoughts. need to concentrate on crim law -.-

as jerrine was saying yesterday. we were really lucky to find who we found in sec 3, and lasted till today. words cannot explain the connection we have. and like my star, i hope it'll be there forever (((:

how my heart swells. suddenly italy france and london can't compare to where my friends are.

portobello st today with jer :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD haha. weather was lovely (except for pollen EVERYWHERE. thank god my hayfever not acting up). notting hill gate is lovely lovely (: i wish i could stay there. SIGHS. bought lovely summery things. hummingbird CUPCAKES :D how i love cupcakes. yumyumyum. and then just talking about everything, anything and wonderful deep dark secrets. haha. we sat at this lovely cafe, outdoors cos it was so nice and cool out. and just talked so much shit. oh jer ): why our deep dark secret in real life don't have oneeeeeeeeeeee. pouts. haha. pictures are overdue. sighs. i need to studyyyyyyyyy -.-

but yes, i love you jerrine!!!

i woke up with a massive pounding sledgehammer headache today. must have been the dreams. the dreams that are starting to haunt me again. its really quite true you dream about what you think about in the day. i've been thinking too much about things again. i can't wait to get a bigger room. i'm getting quite claustrophobic in mine. cos of the photos i put up actually. too many memories are just suffocating me. there's no where i can look without thinking of things. and yet at e same time i can't bear to take e photos down. i took one down. but not the rest. its driving me insane actually. i can't wait for exams to be over. then i can be out everyday. breathing in the cool air. roaming the streets, parks and whatever. its always been the memories that make me feel so suffocated in spore. and yet at the same time, nothing brings me greater comfort and warmth than these memories -.-

i think i've stood in the shadows waiting for too long already

sometimes i wish ppl would be alot more open. abit more observant. to see things for what they really are, and not be blinded by one's beliefs, doubts or whatever. and also, we tend to take things at face value too often. its feels like so many ppl just take things for granted, never thinking about why they happen. why things are repeated. we are all too wrapped up in ourselves, too wrapped up in our dignity, and our own rules that we tend to impose on others. that everything just seems to end up more as an act than anything else. hah.

the only good thing today was okonomiyaki, shib & cui/sam. haha.

[edit] i'm actually really looking forward to going back to japan in summer, and taking jap lessons next yr (: haha. i'm obsessed with japanese culture. well i would be obsessed with chinese culture too if i wasn't chinese i suppose -.- i just like cultures that are rich with traditions and customs. from drinking tea, to temples, to even the formal way of greeting someone. i find it all so interesting and meaningful. things are done for a reason, and not just randomly and without thought. its quite funny how much i've grown to appreciate asian cultures since i've been in london. while london will still be one of my favourite places in the world to be.. it just lacks that refineness, that elegant tradition and culture of the japanese or chinese (when i say chinese i don't mean sporean chinese. haha. ie china chinese). london has its history, so much of it. but at times i tend to find it just feels so falsely built. haha. i can't really explain it either. shrugs. but yeh, i'm looking forward to japan (((: to sit in a teahouse, with tea and ricecakes. [/edit]

yawns. i'm actually really tired. though i've been having at least 5 hours of sleep a day. and that's more than i used to have in jc. but it feels like the amount of energy i spend in london, having to be responsible for everything in my life just drains me sometimes. and i need to sleep so much. but i don't feel like sleeping. cos i finally have e time to do nonsense random things that makes me happy and i don't feel like wasting it on sleeping. haha.

talking to my parents makes me surprisingly happy (: its been a long time since i haven't had any parent-child angst. hahaha. maybe it comes with growing up and standing on equal grounds now. haha.

I HAPPY I HAPPY I HAPPY (((: jerrine's in london :DDDD she came by to visit just now. spent a few hours in my room screaming, screeching and being sho happy (: yayness. portobello market on saturday! whee. how i've missed that girl :p haha.

plus MORE okonomiyaki with shib & hopefully cuiyin tmr. -claps-

i just found this :p caroline zhang, us world junior champion figure skater. she's goooood. and only 14 damnit. haha. i can't wait for her to move up to senior competition (: looking at all the young gymnasts, dancers and figure skaters just makes me wish sometimes that if only i was born in e states or somewhere where all kids do sports from a young age and they compete, and its ok to want to spend your life working towards that dream. then maybe i'd have been more than what i am now. shrugs. not that i'm unhappy with who i am or what i've done. i just wish i had the chance to try gym or figure skating at 6. then train for that ultimate dream. i can't explain that yearning. it just eats me up inside sometimes. i feel like they've accomplished so much, and yet here i am, still working towards accomplishing something, what it actually is i have no clue -.-

sighs. property today was like econs s all over again -.- i had to keep reminding myself to add in some law shit once in awhile. hahaha. but it was fun and nice to get to do some econs. i miss it :p i probably wrote more today than for any other of my exams. whoops. law student damnit. haha

YAYYYYYYYYYYYY MAN U ARE THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONS :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

omg. this so just made my day. plus public wasn't that horrid. so i'm feeling really happy (((: just that there's bloody property tmr. and i haven't revised. DIE. but omg, it was so worth it to watch man u go all e way to e finals, extra time and penalty shootout 0_o i must have screamed my hall down. whahaha. YAYNESS (:

oh. smthing very random. if you're a dancer, watch this (: kristi yamaguchi. she just won dancing with e stars, but this was her 1994 ice-skating competition routine. WATCH HER HANDS. i love her hands. they tell a whole story on their own. ((((:

okkk. off to study mabo, locke, moore and PARTHENON MARBLES. heh. 3/5 done. 2 more to gooo. i can't wait :D

oh oh oh this is love toooo (((: i love figure skating. it was the last performing art/sport i couldn't learn ): since i was young, dance, ballroom, gymnastics and ice-skating were sacred. hit the first three, missed out on the last ): sighs. and pair skating. swoons i loveeee.

hello my (screw) loves. haha. that statement sounds abit hmmm, but yes. would you 4 watch the sunrise with me when i get back? sleepover at my place, drive down to ecp in e morning, then macs breakfast :D hahaha, the hotcakes that we used to pon school to eat. hahaha (((:

now all i need is someone to watch the sunset and the moon and the stars with me. i actually know who to ask for each one. but e first one will prob tell me i have nothing better to do -.- hahaha. the second one will definitely watching the moon with me, and the third. well the third is a big question mark. HAH.

gah, public law tmr. whoopee. not good not good not good. sighs. i need to stop moaning about how bad it is and actually study :p easier said than done.

i'll so miss shimoni next year ): the best thing about being on e 8th floor is that i can go 2 doors down banging on her room anytime (well when she's in anyway). then we'd sit in e kitchen eating icecream, or stand in e corridor bitching. hahaha. twas love. i hope she comes back to lse for her masters :D

i realise that the ppl i'm closest to are the least like me. haha. i always think about screw, and how totally different we are. there are common points between two of us or three. but all of us 0_o we seem to cover the entire spectrum of types of ppl. hahaha. but despite all that, at the end of the day. nothing beats screw time. nothing

oooh jerrine will be here soon :D heheheee. i can't wait. portobello market on sat. the only ray of sunshine in my sian diao 5 days of crim law mugging. grumbles

i miss school. junior college, secondary school. i miss wearing uniforms, of modifying uniforms just cos we didn't want to look toot. elastic in shirts, folded up skirts, low socks, piercings whatever. there was this indescribable thrill and adrenaline rush you get from breaking the school rules, skipping school and doing stupid things. hahaha. well till rj came and ponning school became nothing new. but yeh. its only cos there are rules saying you can't do something, that makes the thing more fun no? haha.

i miss having the huge canteen where everyday we'd congregate. 408 table in the morning. ruggers and hockey tables on our right. where because you have the same sport, same interest, were in the same team, you just belonged there. all the pieces fit and all the groups came together to be this crazy picture that was jc. i loved to sit in the canteen, watching groups, watching ppl. i remember sitting with yee ler and the hockey boys once, and it was odd, unsettling and yet not uncomfortable. its like no matter what there was this sense of belonging. same school, same course, same cca, same whatever. everyone was tied in one way or another. and it was so easy to be in groups, i loved the dancers as a whole, though i can't say i'm dead tight close to anyone anymore (other than angie). which is odd. we worked perfectly as a group, but not so as individuals. haha. interesting eh. but in gym we sucked as a group, but were perfect as individuals. i miss this feeling of belonging, to have somewhere that's always open to you. that you could sit and spend hours wasting away. you don't get it here ): and that's probably one of e few things that make spore schools look so appealing sometimes.

ok -.- need to stop these nonsense ramblings. hahaha, my neighbour's having a stress attack. i can smell e smoke from my room. sheesh, and e idiot boy downstairs is playing e ukelele again. SHEESH.

whoosh. i can't decide whether i'm fucked or ok for obligations -.- ah whatever. at least its over and done with. just hope i don't die too badly. one step closer to end of exams. i can get there. nap now though. ils tmr ):

'if i could be the most important person in his life, it would be enough.'

though i don't know how to say it in jap, and i had to read e subtitles. just that line alone turned me into mush -.- gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. anime 2 nights before my first paper. wtf

but i must say i'm in love with nowaki & hiro (((:

we are all so wrapped up in our own insecurities, doubts and fears that sometimes we just fail to see what is really there, tangible and real. or maybe i'm just trying to fool myself into believing there is something there that i'm blinded to. circular circular circular. i must say its cos of this, i admire ppl like _____ so much. ppl who are so seemingly perfect, flawless, no self-doubts or insecuritities. knowing what they want, and daring to do everything to get what they want, exactly the way they want it. and yet at the same time these ppl scare me, its a respect, disgust & contempt mixture.

i'm filled with a sense of disbelief and deja vu. the boy i grew up adoring to bits, who my mum adored to bits too, and (don't laugh) i used to think i wanted to marry (being 6 years old and all) HAHAHA. is now the epitome of a party-mad havoc badboy. AND very good friends with a (ahem) friend of mine, who i would like to erase from my memory. she now speaks with an incredibly fake american accent, still in those skirts that when she bends over flashes e arse to e whole canteen (ahahaha you should be able to guess who by now).

oh my god 0_o this is bloody creepy. seriously. i don't ever ever ever want to see any of e shit that goes down -.- i would like to keep my angelic wholesome and wonderful memories of our childhood together. seeing him like this would just shatter everything. gah

hmms. its slightly comforting to still see my pri 4 bestfriends still being bestfriends. with the one exception i don't really talk to them anymore -.- erh well. let's see who i still keep in contact with from pri sch. haha. there's yee ler at least. elsie & peishan are in london. nicole's in lse. dennet? AMY :D MINSHIN! haha. joytoy. you sort of count just. david's in london too. hahaha. ok this is getting spastic. i'm just trying to avoid studying. GAHHHHHHHHHH.

i'm hoping that e seemingly good luck i have when i go into anything with a fuck-care attitude will appear this time too. the last time it did was A div tramp comp :p AHAHAHA. that one i win. 2 weeks of training (;

god i think i'm going to throw up from too much coffee. my stomach's just all messed up. gah. the whole shakey thing from e caffeine overdose too -.- sighs. i'm tired of studying alr. i just wish e exams will come, i can try and muddle my way through it, hopefully not fail. and then go holiday. i'm mighty sian. BAH. lost all motivation alr.

asian phail. HAHAHAHA. cui has all e funniest words that i never heard of -.-

i just read about the china earthquake. my heart is just aching for all the chinese ppl. i don't think i have been so affected by a natural disaster incident yet, but i'm getting really upset reading the news. i can't explain why. but doesn't your heart just clench looking at that picture?

anyway. please donate to e chinese quake fund here. any bit helps. its the brit site. if you're in uk, just twenty pounds makes a big difference. if you're in spore, i'm sure you guys can find e spore red cross site too.

and i think all the so-called 'human rights' supporters are absolutely fuckers for using this earthquake to pick on/insult/slam china even more.

i feel like i've been struggling with this unexplainable need to be reckless. (cunningham recklessness just popped into my head 0_o omg crim law). but yes. as i'm reaching e last few months of my teenhood (HAH), which will be spent being crazily free (summer break, FOR ONCE), i dunno. i feel like its my last chance to do something i never will have the chance again before i enter the third decade of my life. there are somethings that it feels only a uninhibited, heck-care teenager can do. because though i always say age is just a number, you feel like you no longer have the luxury of being stupid, of doing stupid things. there is some comfort you take in that falling down. to know that you're still alive. you still feel that pain. and to see the scab, the bruises and watch them heal. its like as you grow older, you learn too much, you learn to always be careful, to never trip, never do anything dangerous. you just end up living this safe, foolproof, moderate, boring life. and its out of this desperation to break out of e boundaries that you do something you think is 'living', and its more severe, stupid, unnecessary than anything you'd ever do. and it doesn't make you feel alive, young or whatever again. it just leaves you emptier, older and more weary than ever.

i should not be spending my time on such musings when my exams are in 4 DAYS -.- gah. but its 7am, and i'm awake :D after sleeping an insane 10 hours. hahaha. bye :p

i'm ususally not a big fan of e foxtrot. but this is lovely lovely (: jason isn't that good, but i must say this dance was gorgeous. the dress was beautiful too :p hahaha. oh how i miss ballroom.

omfg.omfg.omfg. this is such a beautiful paso doble. THIRTEEN THEY ARE THIRTEEN. i want i want i want ))))))))): WAILS.

dinner time. my fishballs taste like doughballs -.- no fish taste whatsoever. sighs. go back spore must go eat fishballs. sad. haha.

i watching my dinner entertainment. nowaki & hiro ((((: omg you have no clue how happy an episode of anime can make me. the simple pleasures in life. making my heart ache though.

ppl change for the ones they love. i try not to change for the ones i love.

fat ninja returns sent 13/5/2008 5:00 AM:
oy sleep earlier
fat ninja returns sent 13/5/2008 5:01 AM:
the window of time from 2-4am is supposed to be the healing time for our skin etc.
fat ninja returns sent 13/5/2008 5:01 AM:
study hard okay
fat ninja returns sent 13/5/2008 5:01 AM:
anime can watch a little while
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
HAHAHA
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
<3333333333333
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
my sleeping schedule is so so bad -.-
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
i slept at 6
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
its 9am now
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
i just sprung awake like that
fat ninja returns says:
6pm?
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
and i'm super AWAKE
wj*- wildshootingstar - to find oblivion says:
6am
fat ninja returns says:
darling!
fat ninja returns says:
go back to sleep if you can
fat ninja returns says:
it's terrible for your health
fat ninja returns says:
go sleep
fat ninja returns says:
come back got nice food for you

to hear all this from cass, who normally gives me her super sullen look everytime i try to hug her, made my heart swell so much. very achey pain. but is good pain. hahaha. i don't have the words to properly describe how loved/happy/grateful/touched & so much more i felt. i think its e studying that's making me sappy, or maybe the heat. hmms. made me want to run home immediately ): drat the exams. no one will scold me like this except screw. hahaha. hard love eh (: i will take scoldings everyday if only if only i'm with them everyday.

but i must say i'm feeling super loved here too (: from studying sessions with angela, who brought me wright's bar chips. hee. shimoni who knocks on my door everyday to talk, gossip, bitch and make sure i'm alive. hongmin who checks on me all e time. alex who keeps telling me to sleep. kaylene for all e msn-ing.

everything's so good (: other than e heat -.- ooh my uncle's coming up on thurs and my mum passed him a mini handheld fan for me. my mum does e cutest sweetest things sometimes. she booked our hotel for paris, its called the little palace. costs a bloody bomb, but she actually said 'guess i'll have to get the little palace for my little princess'. hahaha. made me want to cry though ):

ok. enough mushiness for today. i need to get my frozen bottle of water of e fridge to cool off. ARGHS.

omg. love love love (((: jean-baptiste maunier. swoons. but his voice broke alr ): its sad being a boy.

he's e closest thing to an angel i believe there is (: he definitely sings like one. i have massive respect for ppl who can sing like that, and be really good at playing instruments. cos those are two things i can't do :p

i find it very very amusing that the ones from e tropical climate countries (ie ME plus shimoni) are DYING/wilting/melting in the heat. hahaha. GAH. its so hot, plus my room has so little ventilation, i feel like i'm being roasted in my room everyday -.- its so disgusting. i want my airconnnn. -whines- i am an absolute brat when it comes to heat, everyone knows how much i hate the sun and the heat -.- give me winter anyday thank you. i NEVER complain about e cold. i think i'm wearing less here than i normally wear in spore. hahaha. cos there's like no aircon anywhere. its so freaking hot. so i'm in spag tops & shorts everyday. gosh. i had to get out of my hall today and go to starbucks just to get some aircon. its ridiculous. haha. studied there for a bit, came back and promptly fell asleep on my bed.

my sleeping habits are so bad now -.- its like i've been sleeping 3-5 hours 'normal sleep' time, then taking 20 min naps once in awhile, and one like 1 hour-ish nap somewhere in e middle. i just can't wait for e exams to be other, though i think i'm going to be in deep shit when results come out. i'm so gonna get slaughtered if i screw this up. sighs. sian

oh i'm so happy (((: so many ppl are flying up to london! hehehee. let's see, there's jerrine next week. I MISS YOU JER! too long too long. then sharon and iris too :D yayness. i want nice summer picnics - gonna get myself a floppy hat and hide underneath from e sun though. whahaha. angela thinks i'm insane cos all i do is complain i'm hot. i've taken to throwing bottles of water into e freezer, so that i can cool myself down with it -.-

ok back to studying!

god. this summer sun is just wrecking havoc on my body clock -.- or rather my perception of time, seeing as how my body clock is already screwed. hahaha. its like 8.30 and e sun is just setting, but e skies are still bright. its quite lovely actually. just that i keep thinking i still have awhile till 'nighttime'. hahaha. and then at like 4+ am e skies are lightening alr. gah. too much sun.

hello mel darling (: yep yep your post-its have been there since your parcel came last last term (((: hahaha. i love i love.

my room smells of fresh laundry again. haha. just did my laundry today. every breath i take is as deep as i can. so that i can take in this wonderfully fresh, warm and 'safe' smell. if only i could lock that smell inside of me forever. haha.

i'm listening to the les choristes soundtrack. just reminds me of happy days (: i THINK we watched this in rg, i can't rmb whether it was e whole screw 0_o but i rmb rachel was there. heart swells with the rise of the lovely voices.

i've been so tired the past few days. from studying and that time of e month -.- i was getting abit worried as to why i kept getting dizzy spells. probably the worst bout in quite awhile. that's saying alot. sighs. i don't want to study alr ): but i feel like i have no proper grasp on everything. and i'm getting very very frightened. though i seem like e epitome of zen-ness. HAHAHA.

OHOH! my uncle's coming up to london next week (: hehee. i'm thinking of dragging him to barrafino and lessening his heavy wallet. smirks. he said i could anyway, but i don't particularly want to travel super far. so frith st soho is looking good :D hehee. TAPAS! yumyumyum. oh i'm so looking forward to park walks, picnics, milan, venice, florence, paris, aix en provence, marseille, shopping trips, musicals, roaming & exploring after exams. BUT ITS TOO BLOODY HOT DAMNIT -.-

this is my current desktop wallpaper. ritsuka (((: gorgeous no?

shib & i at the deathcab gig

deathcab!

FOR YOU RACH!

this is what my bookshelf looks life :p hahaha. see the post-its? they keep me going everyday (:

hurhurhur. everyone who's been reading this has been making fun of my anime obsession lately -.- shit. there's this two series of manga on amazon that i so want to get my hands on. seeing as how i haven't been spending money at all since i've been cooped up in my room, i think i shall splurge on mangas after exams. but cannot order now, otherwise once its come, i will so not be able to study.

i seem to drink alot of coffee in london 0_o a hell lot more than what i normally drink. like if i go to school, it'll definitely be at least one cup of wrights bar coffee. usually two. then when i get back at night, i'll have a cup of coffee too. then these few weeks i've been mugging, my caffiene level has just hit the roof it seems. i'm just alternating between coffee, tea & diet coke. more of e first two at least (angie would be proud) hahaha. but i must saying having to study while living in on your own isn't easy :p its probably the worst part. though i'm not really complaining. just that when you're hungry, you gotta take time to actually cook e food, or go out and find something. but since i haven't been leaving my dorm, my food supply is solely non-perishables. ie. instant noodles, canned food, rice and instant meals. hahaha. sounds quite pathetic :p e other night i had rice and sardines for dinner. which i quite like actually.

i must say i used to think m&m was the utmost authority on such behaviour, but now i've found someone else who can trump her. its rather scary 0_o

i wish i could explain my fears. but then again if you can explain your fears, they wouldn't be fears anymore would they? fears stem from an irrational feeling of insufficiency, of an inability to deal, or just because you don't not know what it is. i remember my mum telling me when i was a kid, how if everyone found out my fears, they would use it against me, to tease me, to threaten me, to scare me. so i kept all the most important fears hidden deep down inside. over time i let a few come to the surface in the presence of ppl i trust. my deep dark secrets. hah. one of them is a constant theme in my life. everyday i try to push it down, but there is not one day that it doesn't float in my mind. and it seems that many of my other fears grew out of that one fear. i can't really pinpoint when it all started. but its been there for as long as i remember. and probably quite a few of you who read this know about it. and over the years have taken the effort to calm/quell that fear. but being here makes it flare up so badly sometimes, that i'm at such a loss. i try looking at things to ease that fear, but the lack of action, the one-way-ness of it all is killing me. yet i don't know how to voice it out properly. i can't get past that mental barrier of hiding certain things. i want to say it out, and yet sometimes when i hear it in my own head, the whole monologue, i think i'm insane -.- much less from someone else.

i don't know why such thoughts keep coming to my mind.

omg omg omg. i miss ballroom so much. esp jive ))): i sad. sighs. ooh, but leslie's prob gonna come in 3rd year :p VERY EVIL TEMPTING THOUGHTS! he's going to kill me if i suggest our partnership again. hahaha. but e problem is zheng's in michigan. derrick's staying in spore & i never did much latin with him. so heheh. plus leslie never dropped me :p

i really need to dance more. sighs. i'm feeling incredibly grounded. haha. jen was talking about looking for a trampoline club in london to go do some trampolining. omg, you had no idea how my heart skipped dunno how many beats at e thought of being able to find one (well afterall this is london. there's every shit thing available here).

its been so incredibly warm -.- i'm dyingggg. i have to sleep with my windows open, curtains closed, and with e thinnest blanket i have. gahh. its not meant to be this warm damnit!

[edit] i'm exceptionally grateful to my friends here who seek me out even though i've gone into hiding. haha. they remind me constantly of how much i'm loved, and how much there are ppl who genuinely care if i'm still alive. haha. like how angela will ring me everyday without fail, or i'll ring her, whoever who gets up later :p and hongmin who rings me up every few days, to check tt i'm alive, to check tt i'm ok. or kaylene, jess & alex who keep telling me i need to turn up for school. haha. even a ring once in awhile from ashraf makes me (((: oh and the long long heartwarming lovely phonecalls from angie baby. haha.

sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, out of nothing, i'll wish there was someone with me all the time to share the wonderful things i'm going through now. and a part of me wishes it was you. and then another part tells myself that i shouldn't look to spoil something that's already so good. haha. but its more in the 'i can't believe how good things are, how happy i am now' kinda way, that i need someone there to experience it all with me. and then to tell me that it's real. it isn't a dream, i'm not hallucinating. walking home just now in the cool air, with all the people around me. standing in the gig just now. its times like these where i think 'its wonderful to be alive' and i just live that moment for as long as i can, then wrap it up gently and keep it in me for that one day where i won't be able to feel like that anymore. then i can take out these carefully wrapped parcels and rediscover this happiness again. i'm such a contradiction right. one moment i talk about escapism through the fiction world from reality. and the next i'm so happy to be where i am, and alive. hahaha. yep. that's me. person of contradictions. take it or leave it.

much love to those who felt outrage/indignance/upset for me. i promise i won't let anyone treat me like that ever again (: i deserve better than that. haha. [/edit]

its feels like everyone's in uk ain't studying :p ahahaha. i hear about movie outings, concerts (shib & i), dinners, parties and all that shit though according to jen 'wj needs to meet more ppl with a pulse more often'. and angela happily adds on 'oh she never meets anyone with a pulse' -.- thanks loves. hahaha. but yes i hermit, i admit :p though the effort it took to drag my fat arse out of e house tonight was so so so worth it (((((((: hee.

deathcab rocked my socks off. though shib & i were standing behind these uber uber tall guys (one of em kept farting). and there were these 4 obnoxious bitches behind us. it was all good all good :D hee. when they started singing 'i'll follow you into the dark' i thought i was going to melt into a puddle of goo. hahaha. and 'marching bands of manhattan', i videoed e whole thing for you, rachel (: but for a moment i closed my eyes, and how i wished you were here with me. cos you were the one who introduced that song to me. and got me all hooked onto deathcab ): you don't even want to know how i reacted thinking of you while hearing e song -.- very mushy. hahaha.

but yes, then shib and i took e wrong tube to get to leicester sq. so basically we had happy nice conversations in the tube. about life, shit, zen-ness and everything in between. hello dear (: i know you're reading. hahaha. thank you for everything tonight (((: it was love love LOVE. my belly's full, my heart's swollen with happiness, and all i want to do now is go to sleep and dream happy dreams.

BUT, tonight has left me with enough guilt to make me study for e next 2 weeks -.- so yes. study i shall. hahaha. i'm sorry if i'm not online much e next two weeks. study i need (: then after exams, its holidays and then i'll be back in the sunny island for more sunny island loving ((: so be prepared! hahaha

OHOHOH! i forgot to say this, but there were so many cute/pretty boys at e concert tonight (((: hehehee. anyone who looks vaguely like my anime boys gets me all excited/giggly/giddy with happiness -.- sad right. sighs, too bad i won't get anything like that soon -.-

[edit] fuck. my studying is going NOWHERE. nowhere. absolutely bloody nowhere 0_o i still have so much to finish. exactly 2 weeks to go. i don't think i've been this unprepared for an exam since like sec3. this is disturbing. i need to play like mad today. so i can guilt myself into doing more shit for e next 2 weeks -.-

i'm tired of constantly reaching out.. its come to the point where i don't want to pull anymore, i want to be pulled. i've lost the spirit to fight for alot of things. it just feels so pointless sometimes. cos it feels like only cos i pull, then it comes. shrugs. [/edit]

gosh. my impromptu visit to my mum in paris is turning out to be some massive family holiday 0_o hahaha. which i don't mind of course. my mum's going to paris for work early june, so i was like since we're in the same bloody continent, we gotta go somewhere together. so ok larh, then i thought was gonna be for a few days, maybe to southern france? and then now she tells me she wants to go dijon and all that (plus vineyards WOOHOO) for a week. win. then my dad heard and he was like OOOH i might pop by if i'm heading up to austria for work and we can DRIVE around -.- so the moment i get back from italy, e next day i'm taking e train up to france for a weeklong holiday. ahahaha. winner :p so that means i only have like 7 days after exams, and 6 days after france in london. doinks -.- so much for spending more time in london.

sighs. STEF!!! since you're post-exams, go watch loveless. its anime. hahaha. think you'll like it (;

deathcab with shib tmr! whee.

i don't like reality very much. i prefer the world of fiction. when i was younger, i used to escape into my books. stories and imagination. things that i had control over. i went everywhere with a book. half the time, my luggage would be full with books. everytime i came to london, i'd go back with boxes & boxes of books. i loved that world.

but as i've grown older, the things i've had to read aren't that much enjoyable anymore. all the coursework & extra-readings, took away the fun of reading, and took away the time for reading. so i changed the source my obsession with fiction. it became tv series, anime, online fanfiction & photographs. i realise that fiction always can trigger my emotions in a way reality can't. maybe i just refuse to let reality affect me. or maybe i'm always floating so high above that i refuse to let reality sink its claws in.

haha. i have no idea what i'm rambling about already. back to employer's liability & vicarious liability. sighs.

omg. i'm so screwed with this anime watching. WHY WHY WHY MUST I GET ADDICTED TO IT NOW -.- dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. sighs. such pretty japanese boys. to japan in summer i go!

i need something like this:

你好嗎 你的夜是不是跟我的一樣漫長

是不是 還把我給你的愛好好戴在手上

要堅強 我常常對著鏡子裡的人大聲講

雖然說 獨立的想一個人好像一種懲罰

msn上太多的路人甲

偶而你也該上來說說話

想著你的溫柔 想著你的模樣 我放不下

都說過了再見 我們各自飛翔 各自長大

抱緊愛會掙扎 放開愛會心慌 神也很忙

到底要實現哪個願望

離開你 那麼傻 可以後悔嗎

風很大 怕你又穿的太少會讓自己著涼

我很棒 一個人換了燈泡房間變得很亮

每一天 發生的事情我都好想要跟你講

愛很怪 什麼都介意最後又什麼都原諒

心裡最深的牽掛

越想遺忘越不能忘

i'm afraid. that with each time i walk away. everything just hardens abit more. like a callus. to the point where nothing hurts anymore. the ease at which i can walk away. the unflinching lack of emotions or concern. i worry. that enough walking aways, and nothing will affect me the way it did anymore.

i wonder if that was all that was meant to be. was that the end? me walking away and you letting me. nothing about the letters. so many things were said between us, yet still so many important things were left unsaid. they float between, around us all the time. they add to the allure, uncertainty & lack of definition. sooner or later, everything's got to come out.

meredith: i am damaged. damaged and twisty.

if everytime i went out, i got to see angela & kaylene. i'd be out everyday :p hahaha. tonight was nicole's birthday dinner, so 3 of us went, and its been like what 7 weeks since i've seen kaylene & it was like forever ): i missed that girl so much the whole dinner i was just hugging her and talking shit to her the whole time. haha. we've made a pact to do reading week holidays together for the next 2 years (((: YAY! i can't wait. bounces. hehe. PLUS, kaylene & angela are all gonna fly down to spore, then we're gonna go up to hongkong together in summer. whoopee. can't wait!

gosh. there seriously needs to be less drama. the unnecessary trouble that talking creates is just so tiring. i really don't give a fuck what people say or want to say about me, what they say i said, and all that nonsense anymore. this is why all i do is stay hidden away in my room. i can easily & happily control who i want to see. haha. i'm quite happy where i am now. i so get what you said about groups, though for different reasons :p haha.

plus i'm really happy there are so many ppl who are willing to standbyme no matter what (: rain or shine. shit or no shit. hahaha. i lub choo.

eh cui, i think the ET mentality is working wonders for me. AHAHAHA. one more step to becoming power female (hopefully not lesbian) lawyer. got improvement right?

OMGOMGOMG. i want this :DDDDDD heeee. isn't it adorable. its a turtle, which actually reminds me of interdependent. i wonder if you still have that turtle i gave you so long ago 0_o hahaha. but yes, the turtle's shell has stars, and if you put in the dark room, it covers the walls with stars! there are even constellations. i so want this (((: heheee. ming eat all the stars alr ): so i can only settle for fake stars. hahaha.

i want to watch the stars with you again

so much to do. so little time. i wanted to come back so badly, but it hasn't been as happy as i hoped it'd be. sighs. nvm. gotta go down to go up right?

gosh i'm so obsessed with japanese culture now. (not that i wasn't in e past), but these few weeks have brought it to a whole new level -.- hahaha. cui can testify to that. i was giggling nonstop in the okonomiyaki restaurant today. smirks. and i was looking at my room and i realise so many things in my room are japanese influenced :p haha. miffy towel, geisha painting, handphone straps, pens, food, tea, ANIME, comics (e list is endless). hahaha. had lovely yummy lunch with daughter today. god we ate so much 0_o erh like one okonomiyaki, gyoza, om-soba (very zen eh OMMMMM). hahaha. AND dessert. damn good green tea icecream + rice dumplings. i love (((: plus its just like 2 mins away from me. hahahaha. i happy. i gotta go bug my mum to go back to japan again this summer. hehee (((: she loves japan too. the two of us just go crazy eating. love love. its become me and mummy's er ren shi jie. haha.

god the fire-alarm's gone off again -.- this is annoying.

i'm very into drinks. as in like diet coke, tea (english, japanese, chinese) & wine. haha. do you know diet coke from e bottle tastes different from diet coke from e can? i prefer diet coke from e can. haha. and i've been drinking so much tea. i'm gonna turn into a teapot soon :p hahaha. but yeah i have my macha, ou-cha, long jing, tie guan yin, english breakfast & earls grey. twas love. haha. i love tea (((: and i've been boosting my wine collection recently. gonna start a new tradition, to buy wines from wherever i travel (: so italy wines are on e list! HEEE. i want a tea cupboard & wine cellar in my house next time. grins.

jay chou has been crooning to me over my stereo for e past few days. he seems to be the only thing that can keep me awake :p

happy mugging cheerios from joyce (((: (bored until take picture of cereal. hahaha)

much love to angela, kaylene, cui, joyce, chor ming & yangqi (((: for lovely words, happy times, emails, cereal & delivery service. HAHAHA.

cuiyin's birthday present! CUTE RIGHT. damn cute! shit i nearly couldn't bear to give. but my room overflowing with things alr -.- haha. got BLOB covering downthere somemoreee :D

my star thermal socks :p its been raining again and my feet are unbearably cold -.-

hibernation does things to your behaviour :p